Fast Forwarding Through Life

30 Apr

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This time last week I was miserable. Miserable. It was one of those weeks so murky and difficult to navigate, when things seemed they could implode at any turn, that I was longing for a fast-forward button for life. As always, I found myself repeating, “this time next week, things will be better.” The breaking point was Thursday.

I was terrified as to what the day would bring and at the same time, I just needed to hear everything. I dreaded and anticipated it, I cursed and welcomed it, and I thought of the Lisa 8 hours later who would know the answers to many of the questions plaguing her.

It turns out that Thursday was beautiful. A sign. Step One. I don’t know how I would be if I lived in a city without seasons because I draw so much hope and emotion from a sunny day, an autumn leaf, the first snow, the ocean breeze. I could probably get accustomed to the ocean breeze and sunny days, but would I appreciate them as much? Would they lift me still? Would they give much-needed meaning to doubts and fears and sadness? Would they be simply relished as euphoria-inducing gifts?

As the day progressed, news on all the fronts I had been anxiously sitting by, seemed to improve. And then, when you think you will never hear the words you want so badly to hear, I heard them. I heard them from a source I fell in love with, I heard them from the birds in the blossoming trees, I heard them from the rays of sunshine on my windshield.

As I drove home across the Triboro bridge, I stared at the New York City skyline I have been staring at my whole life. Maybe it’s being a New Yorker, maybe it’s being an optimist, maybe it’s just because it is, objectively beautiful, but every time it comes into view, it takes my breath away. Every single time. And thank G-d. I am so happy to be able to appreciate moments big and small, so grateful to feel sweeping surges of gratitude and love, so appreciative that I am still in awe of something some people might never realize they are in the presence of.

As we neared the end of the bridge, I looked at the people I love. I looked at the reassuring texts on my phone, I looked at the cloudless, blue sky, and I thought to myself “today, the sun is shining just for me.” Because it was.

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