Tag Archives: Internet

I Plopped So You Don’t Have To

10 Nov

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Having curly hair is not always easy. And after a lifetime of tending to it, my hair and I are still getting to know each other.

To an outsider (i.e. someone who wakes up with nice hair — hey, what’s that like?), curly hair seems like a true gift. I often hear:

“You’re so lucky! You can wear it any way you want. Straight, curly, you can do so many things with your hair!”

Yes, like never brush it, or sleep with it down, or not wash it if I don’t have hours to let it dry right (fingers crossed).


My Hair, Properly Dried Indoors

For my hair, optimal conditions include applying a heavy combination of Frizz-Ease, Kiehl’s Silk Groom, and Nexxus Keraphix, separating my hair into 5 different sections, curling those sections like payos, and then allowing a solid 4-5 hours for it to dry indoors. So easy, right? If I don’t have the time to let it dry indoors, a quick outdoor method that works is to stick my head out of the window of a vehicle moving at a speed of 55 mph or higher. Highway driving is best. Traffic lights and stop signs really interrupt the hair’s proper drying process.

And by the way, so does summer (also known as the “Season of the Bun”).  If you happen to see a curly-haired woman wearing a bun, it’s not because that is her preferred style; it’s because she doesn’t have a choice. My hair is less of a liability in the winter because with the decrease in humidity, I sometimes indulge in the random blow out (which I can milk as well as any post-menopausal octogenarian, thanks to my hair’s dryness).

With age, my situation is even worse. Due to the cropping up of some gray hairs (let me tell you, those gray hairs are total assholes and will do whatever they please regardless of how much product you may use), I am losing more and more control over my hair every day.

Recently, and to my extreme delight, I came across this video demonstrating the super easy method of “plopping.” A woman (I’ll call her “Lady Curls”), tosses around shiny, perfect wavy curls, while telling me that my hair can also look like that! And, even better, all this fabulous styling will happen while I sleep. No. Way.

First, Lady Curls, in her white terry robe, applies a cocktail of Tresemme and Garnier Fructis products, and combs it through evenly. Next, she slowly lowers her head onto a T-shirt, so that the hair “coils.” Lady Curls pulls the sleeves of the shirt behind her neck and wraps her entire head in the body of the T-shirt. She then ties the shirt’s arms in front of her, tucks in loose ends, and smiles as she relates how this magic doo-rag will allow me to awake with curls that are “dry, bouncy, and frizz free.”

I could not wait to try this method. Maybe I too could now join the ranks of people waking up with nice hair. I hit CVS to buy the products Lady Curls suggested and immediately went home, showered, and fastened on the plopping turban (my husband’s T-shirt). Yes, I looked like a head wound victim, but this would all be worth it in the morning! I would like to say I dreamt of bouncy, frizz-free curls, but there is no sleeping while your head is wrapped inside a damp cotton T-shirt. All I could think about at 3, 4, 5 and 6 am was how nice my hair was going to look and what a sweet time saver I stumbled across. God bless you, Internet!

By 7 am, I was ready to unveil my curls.

The result was incredible: Lady Curls is a downright liar. Actually, wait. She did tell the truth in one respect: my hair was definitely “dry.” It was dry in the way that it was not wet and it was also dry in the way that burned out leaves spontaneously combust to create forest fires.  As for “bouncy and frizz free” — I don’t think so. I would describe the look more as “Survivor, Season 4” (I actually used to think my one luxury item would be Frizz-Ease but then realized it wouldn’t matter because I would be begging my fellow castaways to vote me off the island at the first Tribal Council).

Forest Fire Ready Hair!

Forest Fire Ready Hair!

My kids advised that if I showed up to their school with my hair “like that,” they would not acknowledge me as their mother.

“It’s really weird. And bad. Why did you do this?!” Said my husband.

I’m the only curly-haired person in my family. No one quite understands my plight. Sigh.

Plopping definitely gave me the hair of a celebrity and that celebrity is Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein.

Me and Gene: Who Wore it Best?

Me and Gene: Who Wore it Best?

Or, perhaps this video was a devious way to get me to buy Tresemme and Garnier Fructis products, or even a veiled invitation for me to time travel back to the 1980s, prior to the discovery of frizz-taming wonder serums. Whatever the intent behind this video, Lady Curls was a fraud. You suck, Internet!

Anyway, my hair has been in a bun since the “Morning of the Plop.” I would really love to wash it but I just don’t have 4-5 hours.

Lady Curls, you are The Worst.